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Ticket: If you don’t get your fill of ripped dudes in tighty-whities during Pride Month, this tale of a hunky birdwatcher who struggles to survive in the woods has got you covered.Ĭast: Christian Friedel, Katharina Schüttler, Burghart Klaußner Torrent: You have to feel a little sorry for this above-average cast, who must be aware that they’ll be entirely overshadowed by the Minions.Ĭast: Paul Hamy, Xelo Cagiao, Han Wen, Chan Suan Despicable Me 3ĭirectors: Kyle Balda, Pierre Coffin, and Eric GuillonĬast: Jenny Slate, Kristen Wiig, Steve Carell, Steve Coogan But it’s also by the director of the excellent Maniac remake, so it’s a draw. Stream It: It’s the 19th film to capitalize on the 1977 Amityville hoax, the eighth of those to be released in the past five years, and the first since 2005 to receive wide theatrical distribution - something that, in this case, has been pushed back since April 2016. Ticket: Sofia Coppola remaking this comparatively obscure 1971 Don Siegel film which starred Clint Eastwood makes more sense than it sounds at first, and it fits right into Coppola’s wheelhouse of “virginal blonde girls in white dresses.” (Wait ‘til she sees Picnic at Hanging Rock!)Ĭast: Bella Thorne, Mckenna Grace, Cameron Monaghan, Jennifer Jason Leigh Ticket:The new film by Edgar Wright, and I dunno where I had you, but I know I had me at “the new film by Edgar Wright.”Ĭast: Elle Fanning, Nicole Kidman, Kirsten Dunst, Colin Farrell (Please spread the word using the hashtag #Transformersfuckshitfuckshitfuckshitfuckshitfuckshit.)Ĭast: Ansel Elgort, Lily James, Jon Hamm, Jamie Foxx Torrent: Fuckshitfuckshitfuckshitfuckshitfuckshit. Sold.Ĭast: Gemma Chan, Laura Haddock, Mark Wahlberg, Anthony Hopkins
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Gordon wrote about their early difficulties as a cross-cultural couple, plus it’s produced by Judd Apatow and directed by Stella’s Michael Showalter. Stream It: Kumail Nanjiani and his spouse Emily V.
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Ticket: It’s in color with movie stars and without Sheila Vand, but it’s still a cannibal comedy from the director of A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, and that’s what matters.Ĭast: Kumail Nanjiani, Zoe Kazan, Holly Hunter, Ray Romano But we’ll never know, will we?Ĭast: Jason Momoa, Diego Luna, Keanu Reeves, Jim Carrey Torrent: At the risk of blaming the victims, if more of you had gone to see Brave in 2012, it’s possible there wouldn’t be another freakin’ Cars movie now. Not that it’s a competition or anything.)Ĭast: Armie Hammer, Nathan Fillion, Owen Wilson, Kerry Washington (Also, his name is more prominent in this poster than Cruise’s is for The Mummy. Stream It: In which one of our greatest character actors, Sam goddamn Elliott, gets to play a character who is someone Elliott never quite became in real life: a movie star. Ticket: After ruining Twitter’s childhood with Ghostbusters last year, Kate McKinnon is back in theaters and continues to give no fucks.Ĭast: Sam Elliott, Katharine Ross, Nick Offerman, Krysten Ritter
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Torrent: Hard to say what’s a bigger sign of desperation: that this is Universal’s second attempt to launch a monster universe after Dracula Untold stumbled, or the presence of Tom Cruise, whose name is in a considerably smaller font than the movie’s title.Ĭast: Kate McKinnon, Scarlett Johansson, Zoë Kravitz, Demi Moore
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Could Mad Megan be far behind?Ĭast: Sofia Boutella, Tom Cruise, Annabelle Wallis, Russell Crowe Stream It: The last film about a war-hero dog, 2015’s Max, got overshadowed by that same year’s Mad Max: Fury Road. Stream It: Being the first modern DC Comics movie from a director who has only made good films thus far, here’s hoping it washes away the lingering ick from Suicide Squad.Ĭast: Kate Mara, Tom Felton, Bradley Whitford, Ramon Rodriguez Wonder WomanĬast: Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, Robin Wright, David Thewlis Ticket: A new Errol Morris film is always a cause for celebration, especially another loving look at an outsider - in this case, a stalwart Polaroid-portrait photographer. The B-Side: Elsa Dorfman’s Portrait Photography (Ever notice how Fuck / Marry / Kill never comes with a similar disclaimer about how murder is wrong?)
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It’ll help you decide which movies you should pay to see in a theater on a given weekend, which you should watch on the streaming service of your choice in a few months, and which you should download using Bram Cohen’s peer-to-peer problem-child BitTorrent - which, of course you should never do, because stealing is wrong.
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Why does this keep happening? To sort out all the summer movies vying for your attention, we’re going to play the popular party game of Ticket / Torrent / Stream It.